An Attempt to be Earnest

It’s 5:13am and I have been awake for hours because I have a brain disease that rarely allows me to sleep for more than two hours at a time. Sometimes the first two hours is all I get.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. I just want to write earnestly about my feelings right now, on the edge of something exciting. I’m not good at being honest about my feelings, but floating in this space between exhaustion and giddy anticipation has made me weird.

I write sexually explicit queer romance novels about hockey players. You probably know this, but I’m saying it because it’s something that I don’t feel comfortable telling everyone. I love talking about my books, and other books like them, to romance fans, but outside that wonderful (and thankfully, enormous) bubble, talking about what I write can be stressful and embarrassing. I’ve often attempted to defend my books, and my entire genre, to people (sometimes other writers) who are dismissive of romance. I’ve felt shame about my books, which is something I never want to feel again.

The first time I did an in-person event was in 2023 in London, England (I know. Start small, right?). I was never super online as an author, and I generally stay out of reader spaces. I knew people enjoyed my books, but the love I received from readers at that event blew me away. I hadn’t been expecting it. I’ve done many events since then, and I’m still blown away, every time. I’m not sure it’s something you can get used to, but it’s something I truly appreciate.

Less than a month after that event in London, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. It wasn’t a shock, but it was still, y’know, bad. The thing about early-onset Parkinson’s is that it can create a wide array of symptoms ranging from annoying to devastating. It’s full of surprises. When I was diagnosed, I wondered if I would be able to keep doing events, or if I’d even be able to keep writing. Would I lose my memory? My ability to speak fluidly?

Bear with me. I swear I’m going to talk about the show.

When I gathered the courage to ask what my future was realistically going to look like, my doctor told me, in a reassuring tone, that I could have ten whole years before my symptoms start to get significantly worse.

Ten years. Eight now. I try not to think about it. It’s a ballpark number. It could be way longer. There could be a cure, or a miracle treatment, soon, so why stress? And anyway, it’s not fatal. It’s just bad. The diagnosis could have been worse.

My dad was once on a plane that had an engine fire in the air. The plane landed safely, but he told me, in the moment, there was a weirdly calm feeling of “there’s nothing I can do to stop this.” Maybe that’s how I feel about my disease. I’m going to keep writing until it’s impossible, which will hopefully be never.

I’ve told this next part of the story before: Four days after my diagnosis, I received a DM from Jacob Tierney on Instagram, telling me he loved my books and asking if I would be open to the idea of him adapting them for film. I laughed, because things like this aren’t supposed to happen to authors of sexually explicit queer romance novels about hockey players. I told him I was very open to the idea. We had a Zoom call shortly after where Jacob basically laid out my dream version of a limited television series based on my books. I was amazed by his knowledge and understanding of my characters and the story. I kept my cool during the call, but as soon as it ended I was fist pumping the air and saying “holy shit” over and over. The point is, I had my life changed twice in one week.

Here’s the rest of the story, or at least as much of it as I’m willing to share:

I was told by many, many people not to get my hopes up about any of this. Books get optioned all the time that never actually get filmed. But I got my hopes up anyway. I got them all the way up. There wasn’t a moment, after that first call with Jacob, that I didn’t think this show would happen. Was that naive? Probably. But I needed something positive to focus on and this was a fucking gift.

It’s probably the dream of almost every author to have your books adapted into a movie or show, but I know that dream doesn’t always go the way authors are hoping. Sometimes the rights to your characters, who mean everything to you, get sold to someone who isn’t interested in getting them right. I think that would be devastating; worse, probably, than not having your work adapted at all. Fortunately I don’t know what that feels like. Not even close.

When I read an early draft of the first episode of Heated Rivalry (which Jacob was so excited for me to read) I felt a lot of things (all good), but the thing that made me the most emotional was the respect I saw for my work throughout that script. It was touchingly faithful, but also so thoughtful about the characters and the story. My writing had been taken seriously. I can’t say this enough: I am so, so lucky to have Jacob at the helm of this project. Of course I’m hoping for more seasons, but if one season is all we get, I am forever grateful to Jacob and his production partner, Brendan Brady, and to Bell Media/Crave for giving me six incredible episodes.

I can’t remember when exactly I knew the roles of Ilya and Shane had been cast. I wasn’t part of that process, but I was kept in the loop. We knew, back at the very start, that finding the right actors for the two lead roles was not going to be easy. A lot of that is my fault, because each of those characters have a long list of important physical traits, plus Ilya needed to be believably Russian. Plus there were going to be lots of hockey scenes, so some ability there would be nice. Plus they had to be comfortable doing sex scenes. Plus they had to have chemistry with each other. I braced myself for the possibility that we wouldn’t be able to find a perfect Ilya or a perfect Shane.

But guess what? We fucking did. We found Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams.

I mean, the casting directors and the producers did. I was probably playing Tears of the Kingdom or something (side note - Parkinson’s really fucks up Link’s archery game). When I heard the glowing reviews of Connor and Hudson’s chemistry test, I was excited. More actors were cast, and I was thrilled by every single one. Just the idea that an actual professional actor was going to play a character that I’d created felt unreal. But it was all vague until I visited the set the first time.

I didn’t sleep the night before visiting the set. I hadn’t slept much at all for the past couple of nights because, again, brain disease. So I wasn’t at my best when I fucking walked into the world I’d created come to actual fucking life. To be honest, I don’t think any amount of sleep would make that experience not feel surreal, but some would probably help.

It was a huge soundstage in Scarborough, and I’d never been to a film set at all. Ever. The first thing that struck me was “Wow. This is legit.” Like, there were a lot of people working very hard to make this show. And there was also, clearly, a lot of money being spent. On my story!

The first thing I watched being filmed was a short little scene that I won’t describe, but it only had Shane in it. There wasn’t even any dialogue, really, but I was still overwhelmed by happiness. I started giggling. Fortunately my husband, Matt, was with me, and he understood. When filming stopped I whispered to Matt something like, “that’s Shane. He’s doing stuff” and then giggling some more. I’m truly sorry to everyone who met me for the first time that day. I may as well have been drunk.

I met Hudson a few minutes later and I have no idea what I said. I’m sure I made a wonderful first impression. He was lovely, though, and seemed genuinely excited to meet me. I don’t think I spoke to him again until I said goodbye at the end of the day because he was in every scene that was filmed that day. He did send me a really sweet message a couple of days later though, which really meant a lot to me.

I met François Arnaud shortly after, but only briefly. Film sets are probably not the best place to meet people because they are busy and chaotic. He was also very nice, and had lovely things to say about his character and the story. I’m not technically allowed to say more than that about his part in the show, but I look forward to the day I can finally rave about his performance.

I was nervous to meet Connor. I’ll admit that now. It’s just…he’s playing Ilya, y’know? Fans have high expectations for that character, and so do I. Later in the morning, while I was watching a scene with Scott, Shane, and Carter being filmed, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and Ilya fucking Rozanov was standing there. I am 99% sure that what I said was “holy shit!” because wow. That’s him.

This piece of information is important: while on set, Connor always spoke with a Russian accent. So I met Connor basically as Ilya. But not really because he was obviously speaking as himself, just with the accent. What I’m saying is it was a LOT for my brain to deal with in the moment, since I was barely holding onto reality anyway. I’m trying to chat like a normal person, but he’s wearing that orthodox cross necklace and he looks and sounds like a character I’ve been carrying around in my imagination for years. It was a lot. But he was so nice, and so enthusiastic with lots of thoughtful questions. I really liked him right away.

I’ve since gotten to chat with Hudson and Connor (without the accent) quite a bit, and they’re both awesome. I’m so excited for them, and I’m so grateful for the fearless way they play these characters. I can’t imagine anyone else playing Ilya and Shane. They’re perfect. They’re my guys. I love that they became such good friends, and I know the promo for this show is going to be so much fun because of it.

The other thing that overwhelmed me on set, both that first day and later in May when I visited again, was how much love there was for this project from everyone. It was also obvious that everyone loved and respected Jacob. I had a lot of time to chat with various cast and crew members, and they all had glowing things to say about working with him, and about the high quality of the show. It was really nice to hear. It’s scary, taking something that had previously only had my name on it and adding so many other names to it. What if some of those people aren’t…good? What if there’s drama on set? What if Heated Rivalry becomes synonymous with a horrific scandal? I don’t worry about these things anymore. The vibes are way too good.

The only thing that was hard for me was letting my characters go. I knew how well Jacob had written them, and I knew how well the actors had portrayed them, but still, the night before the show was officially announced, I was emotional. It was the last night the characters were just mine. But then, the next day, I saw the excitement from fans, and I saw the adorable TikToks that Connor and Hudson filmed for the official account, and I stopped worrying about anything. I wasn’t sad at all that Ilya and Shane weren’t only mine; I was honoured that they were Jacob’s too, and Connor’s and Hudson’s. They all added so much to these characters. I’m thrilled.

I know fans of my books will love this show. I am eager to see how people who are meeting these characters for the first time react to it. I know some people will dismiss it the same way they dismiss my books, but I can tell you this for sure: I won’t feel any shame. I’m way too proud of this show, and of everyone involved, to ever again let anyone make me feel ashamed of the stories I love to write. Because the thing I’m proudest of, and the most excited about, is being a part of a collective effort to bring a sweet, sexy, romantic, and, most importantly, happy queer love story to television. A story where the sexual tension and romance isn’t subtext, or a tease, or something that ends in tragedy. I want a million more shows like this one.

Sometimes, instead of sleeping, I experience moments where I can’t believe anything about my life is real. Am I really a published author? Is there really a television series based on my books? Am I a mother to two kids?? Do I actually have Parkinson’s Disease??? Come on. That’s all so ridiculous. Except I’m on a deadline for my ninth book, and I’m in a group chat with two young actors (unusual for me, honestly), my kids send me videos I don’t understand, and I don’t remember what it feels like not to shake constantly.

Anyway. In conclusion, the show is amazing and I can’t wait for everyone to see it. I think the next year of my life is going to be so much fun, and full of love and excitement and joy. However many “good” years I have left, this is going to be a great one.